Her legs are crooked,
her arms are obtuse.
Your humor is dark
there is no excuse.
If you are Love,
then why is this so?
Such a beautiful girl,
not in body but in soul.
She has needs
as most of us do.
Yet she was unworthy
but for daily abuse.
The anger wells within me,
a punishment so unpleasant.
The anger pools in her,
frustration turned resentment.
I don’t want to be a father
for my own selfish reasons.
You shouldn’t be a Father,
guilty of spiritual treason.
She was the Girl with Bruised Knees
and the Bruised Heart
with love taken as far as it could
but still a million miles apart
Despite all her Pleading and Pleasing
her Labors bore no Recompense
aside from a Damaged psyche
uninvited Bitterness made manifest
She was the Girl with Bruised Heart
And the Bruised Knees
Battered fruit Ruined
eternally mouthing, Why Me, Why Me
She was an amalgam of sanguine ruins.
Her decimated face was a battle worn patchwork
that culminated in a staggering beauty.
Through the thorny thicket of scars,
he was captured by her cobalt blue eyes.
They shone fiercely and completed
an undeniable effect on whomever came in contact with her.
At least it did on him.
She caught him staring,
quickly shielding her face by stepping into a shadow.
His face grew flushed
and the hair on his neck prickled in embarrassment.
He wanted to explain that he wasn’t shocked
by her as much as enthralled.
But, he was afraid
any attempt to do so would end in failure.
He’d been caught gawking
and needn’t make it any worse by bumbling
through some patronizing apology.
There was no second wind and away he slinked
back into his own wreckage, letting the moment fade away.
He didn’t want to get married,
She didn’t want children, let alone two.
Together, away they were carried
by the things they swore they would never do.
The love came easily enough,
but not the hard work that made it count
because that’s something that never does
if it did we wouldn’t want it anyhow.
The marriage was never faultless
but it was always safe and assured.
Alone they would hardly impress,
but together they flourished and endured.
Suddenly, he was revealed a fraud
and their life was mashed and bled
like the enraged fist of God
pummeling pure innocence in the head.
He took to sleeping on the couch
only after she had left her keys
because the bed they’d shared, he found
was too big and cold and empty.
His crime was indiscretion and poor taste.
This was a fatal flaw deep in his character.
Tragedy is often what heroes await,
but brave and bold he was not – he abandoned her.
The fight swirled beneath his skin from the start.
However he refused to let it seep through.
The fear and remorse tore him apart,
his guilt shackling him to his lonely truth.
Ultimately his daughters never blamed him,
not outright to his face at least.
Yet they still learned a valuable lesson:
love is only as perfect as people can be.
Sorrow
does not appear merely when
something terrible occurs.
It is what fills the soul
when there is an absence
of a particular joy.
Sometimes
I just want someone to run
their fingers through my hair,
because, God knows,
it’s been so long since I slept well
and a warm thigh will always trump a cold pillow.
I woke up this morning
weeping
I don’t know why
perhaps
it was over
a dream I can’t
remember
or
a dream never
realized
Tonight I am restless,
and tomorrow I will be incomplete;
Last week I had lunch with a ghost,
and perhaps some weekend soon
I’ll take a drive alone,
my passenger seat burdened
with heavy baggage.
I have so many books,
that I use the skinny ones as placeholders
for the bigger, heftier tomes.
They were once small,
everyday surprises, presents waiting to be opened
with the notes she left between the pages
that fit more snugly than
what I’ve replaced them with.
More and more I fill my days with
distractions, work, and time wasters
hoping to mute the booming silence
echoing off the walls and
filling my moments of solitude
with tension and terror and
spine crushing sadness
that will last for as long as
these words remain alive in us.
To my unborn
and never will be born
Child
I’m not a good man,
I don’t do things right.
This is what keeps me up at night.
Had he been a boy,
here is what I would have said:
Always be responsible and fair.
Never lie, cheat or steal.
Behave in the opposite way that I do.
Love not only yourself but those around you.
Had she been a girl,
I would’ve spoiled her until she was rotten.
Daddy’s little girl surrounded by enough
stuff to keep her happy in her cage
because dating was never going happen.
All boys are dirty, just like your old man.
He would be in little league now
hitting home runs, wowing the crowd.
She would be winning the spelling bee
having no trouble with words like ‘illegitimacy.’
I pray that he doesn’t hold it against me
but that prayer is false
because it was for the best.
No matter how many sad words I write,
I gave him up without a fight
I pray that she won’t hate me
but my empty prayer will be heard by no one
because I don’t believe in God
and He doesn’t believe in me.
So what right do I have to plea?
Remember when your confidence was low
and your boss tore you down
and I built you back up
and encouraged you to fight back?
No?
Remember when your friends deserted you
and the best one of all made you feel like dirt
and I held your hand throughout
and pressed you to be the bigger person?
No?
Remember when your parents shunned you
and ignored you after they kicked you out,
how I loved and nurtured you
and welcomed you into my own family because you were?
No?
Remember that one time when I hurt you
because I’m weak and selfish and full of doubt
and I couldn’t control myself although I knew better
and it was the worst goddamn mistake of my life?
Yes.
Of course you do.
And you’ll never forget it.
I’m only here for this moment.
Soon
others
will be clamoring for your attention.
But I can’t let myself wander
into future scenarios where I am excluded
and my existence isn’t considered.
I have you all to myself for this space of time
which could be measured by the numbers on your clock,
but for what purpose?
Later, in my dulled, damaged memories,
hours and minutes won’t matter.
Only the photo strip of still lives will remain and affect me.
I have you all to myself for this space of time
because I am all you have directly in front of you.
It is my good fortune
that you have switched to tunnel vision and
mine are the only approaching headlights you’re focused on.
I drive at a mild pace;
eager to reach you,
my destination,
but fully aware
of the danger
of rushing through an experience that
will in end in the ironic,
illuminating rays
of the rising sun.
Stupid Children 